So have you ever noticed that most people who create are usually cookoo for coco puffs? Camille Claudel, Tennessee Williams, Vincent Van Gogh, Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath, Judy Garland, Ernest Hemingway, and Virginia Woolf are all commonly used in a sentence that contains the adjectives 'crazy', 'disturbed' or 'depressed'. They're usually tortured souls who's art subtly (sometimes deliberately) reflect their lives.

This begs the question: Why is it that people who create are flat freaking crazy and usually off themselves by the time they're 50? Lets look at the people I've mentioned.

Virginia Woolf was a brilliant essayist who suffered from bouts of depression throughout her life. The onset of World War II, the destruction of her London home during The Blitz, and the cool reception given to her biography of her late friend Rodger Fry all worsened her condition until she was unable to work. She left a suicide note for her husband saying “I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I can't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do.“. Afterward she put on her overcoat, filled its pockets with stones, then walked into the River Ouse.

Ernest Hemingway suffered paranoia, believing he was being watched by the FBI. I mean he did suffer with real problems later in life: his eyesight was failing; his health was poor; and his home and possessions had been lost in Cuba....he was was also fond of the drink. Thinking life was too much to bear he committed suicide by shooting himself with his shotgun.

Camile Claudel was an exquisite French sculptor who's work is rarely recognized (which is a travesty). She met Auguste Rodin, who taught sculpture to Claudel and her friends. She became a source of inspiration, his model, his confidante and lover. She never lived with Rodin, who was reluctant to end his 20-year relationship with his wife (Go figure. There's a lesson ladies, THEY NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES). In 1892, after an unwanted abortion, Claudel ended the intimate aspect of her relationship with Rodin, although they saw one another regularly until 1898. After 1905 Claudel appeared to be mentally deranged. She destroyed many of her statues, disappeared for long periods of time and exhibited signs of paranoia. She accused her former love of stealing her ideas, plotting to kill her, ecetera, ecetera. Sadly, Camile Claudel died on 19 October 1943, after having lived 30 years in the asylum at Montfavet. Rodin, who was mostly to blame for throwing her into the asylum (along with her father and brother), lived out his life with his ever faithful wife. Wow. That's fair.

Tennessee Williams, a brilliant playwright, also suffered with depression and feared he would go insane like his sister who suffered from schizophrenia. What does he do? What any logical person would do: drink and take prescription drugs. He choked on an eye drop bottle cap in his room at the Hotel Elysee in New York. He would routinely place the cap in his mouth, lean back, and place his eye drops in each eye. Toxic drugs including barbiturates were found in the room, and Williams' gag response may have been diminished by the effects of drugs and alcohol.

Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton were both outstanding poets (Two of my favorites actually) who both suffered long time struggles with depression. Sylvia Plath took her own life after she completely sealed the rooms between herself and her sleeping children with wet towels and cloths. She hen placed her head in the oven while the gas was turned on. Anne Sexton had lunch with poet Maxine Kumin on October 4, 1974 to revise galleys for Sexton's manuscript of The Awful Rowing Toward God, scheduled for publication in March 1975. On returning home she put on her mother's old fur coat, locked herself in her garage, and started the engine of her car, committing suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.

Vincent van Gogh, whom we all know was a brilliant artist. He suffered from anxiety and increasingly frequent bouts of mental illness throughout his life. He dealt with it through painting but in December of 1899 he suffered a severe setback. In some of these periods he chose to not or was unable to paint, a factor which added to the mounting frustrations of an artist at the peak of his ability. His depression gradually deepened. On 27 July 1890, aged 37, he walked into a field and shot himself in the chest with a revolver. He survived the impact, but not realizing that his injuries were to be fatal, he walked back to the Ravoux Inn. He died there two days later. His brother reported van Gogh's last words as "La tristesse durera toujours" (the sadness will last forever.)

Judy Garland may be the only one in this list who wasn't born crazy, but made crazy. Her mother's expectations and studio demands would push her over the edge. Lets face it, if your mom was batshit crazy and told you that you had to carry on the torch that was stolen from her or the studio was telling you that you couldn't sleep because you had another 35 hours of shooting to do, well you may go a little off your rocker too. Judy became very fond of the drink and sleeping pills, which sadly led to a self over-dosage of barbiturates; her blood contained the equivalent of ten 1.5-grain (97mg) Seconal capsules. There is no proof that the overdose was intentional and that there was no evidence to suggest she had committed suicide. Garland's autopsy showed that there was no inflammation of her stomach lining and no drug residue in her stomach, which indicated that the drug had been ingested over a long period of time, rather than in one dose. Alas, she sadly had been living on borrowed time anyway due to cirrhosis of the liver.

You may have noticed a trend here with all of these tragic artists. Most of them suffered with depression or some other sort of mental illness, with the exception of Judy Garland who was basically driven insane. I, being an self-proclaimed artist myself, see something else that makes these people similar. Which is probably why I'm a little off myself. You may be asking 'Well what do you see besides the fact that they were all delusional or really sad?'

I see people who see in abstract. They see the world for what it really is. You see, in order to create, they have to see the world a little differently than quote 'normal' people. Artists see colors and shapes that other people can't. Camile Claudel created beautiful sculptures, may I remind you that sculptures were once shapeless pieces of dingy rock or metal. Vincent van Gogh painted masterpieces that hang in museums today, they were once plain blank canvases. Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath enthralled us with their confessional poetry, those pages were once blank pieces of paper. Artists are able to see what we can't in the world, and somehow make it make sense. How many of you can take a paint brush to a canvas or a chisel to a rock and create a masterpiece? What about enthralling your audience merely by using words on a page?

I know plenty of times when I was feeling like nothing made sense and I lost myself in the world of literature. I didn't feel as alone, there were people out there who were just as confused and lost as I was. I have never met a notebook or a pen that would turn its back on me, I'm sure that Hemingway, Tennessee, Virginia, Anne and Sylvia felt the same; I'm sure van Gogh found sanctuary within the world of color and canvas or Claudel in the sanctuary of rock and metal; and for all of the problems that the movie business caused her, Judy probably felt it a relief to step into another characters life for a few hours.

So despite what you may say about these so called crazy artists, chances are they're no crazier than you or me. Okay...maybe they are, I mean with the mental illness and all. What I'm getting at is this: They show us what its like to be human. What its like to love, to loose; to feel betrayed, alone, and wrought with guilt, anger and fear. Truth be told, we really wouldn't know who we are without them.

At least, that's how I see it.
Cheers!

I consider myself a realist in every sense of the term. I see the world as it really is and tend to make fun of it. We all do what we can to survive. I grew up in an excepting household, and went to a Christian school because my mother was concerned about my education. I have to say, my education at a private Christian school really did open my eyes to religion. I didn't realize it until much later. I've always been a very faithful person. Meaning I believe in God, however I'm also very sensible and open. Therefore I am non-denominational, besides according to several denominations I'm going to hell anyway so I may as well drive the train and piss them off in the process. I don't claim to be perfect: I swear, I drink in excess sometimes, I can be spiteful, I don't treat those I love with the respect they deserve sometimes, I'm obnoxious, loud, and don't think before I speak.

Well I've gone off on a tirade, lets get back on track shall we?

You may be wondering what on earth the title of this weeks column means. Well my friends I'm going to tackle that darned controversy of homosexuality. I can hear the groans now, come on guys you KNEW I was going to get on this train sooner or later. I love controversy. Plus I recently watched an amazing film called “For the Bible tells Me So” Which I HIGHLY recommend to everyone (http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/indexb.htm), its where I'll be getting most of my information from. I took notes. Yes I'm a nerd, I know.

When you talk to a super-conservative Christians about LGBT (LGBT = Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Transgenders) people they often quote the following verses from the Bible: Romans 1:26-27, Leviticus 18:22, and Genesis 19 (The chapter dealing with Sodom and Gomorrah). They sit all high and mighty on their throne of biblical knowledge staring down their nose at you. I can't help but think of the Pharisees when they do, which in case you didn't know, the Pharisees were the people who were pretty much the bane of Jesus' existence (Check out Matthew through Luke). I'm sure Jesus wouldn't say anything bad about them, at least it's not documented in anything I've seen. Allow me to quote directly from the NIV version of the bible what the Romans and Leviticus verses say:

“Do not lie with another man as one lies with a woman; that is an abomination” - Leviticus 18:22

“Because of this, God gave them over to their shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged their natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion” - Romans 1:26-27

So you're probably thinking 'Wow Lauren, you just totally killed your case.' Oh my dear friend, that simply is not the situation here. I've only just begun. Lets start with the Leviticus verse because it ironically has a longer explication.

If you read the book of Leviticus, you'll find it's quite literally a rule and procedure book. This particular chapter is about 'Unlawful Sexual Relations' and goes into all sorts of nasties from bestiality to incest (which they decided wasn't a good thing later on because there were more people to populate the earth with and their children were most likely having sever psychological problems when they learned that Aunt Margaret and Mom were the same person.). However if you read further you'll find the other following commands:

“Do not mate different kinds of animals”

“Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.”

“Do not wear clothing of two kinds of material”

“Do not eat meat with the blood still in it”

There's also several references to eating seafood and how women can't wear pants, but I really don't think that I need to quote them because I think you guys get the idea.

These were laws made specifically for the ancient Jews, they were put in place because they were doing what they had to do in order to survive. We are not nomadic tribesmen, thank God because I'm very fond of indoor plumbing and hygiene. Just because its written in the bible does not mean we still practice it today. If you can find me a person that does every single thing the bible says I will stop wearing pants, allow my father to choose my husband, and stop eating the food the bible tells me is an abomination. Abomination. What does that word even mean? Today it is defined as 'to hate, loathe or dislike'. But when you study the texts you'll find that the biblical authors simply defined it as being unlike their culture. So how can you take the text literally without taking that literally? Some cultures are so much different that ours, does that mean you should hate them? If your answer is 'yes' or 'depends on which culture...' then you may as well stop reading because nothing I say is going to matter to you.

Now on to the Romans verse which, like most of the bible (except for the parts that make us uncomfortable, like Song of Solomon. It happens to be my favorite book because its more about sex and less about politics. If there's one book in the bible that should be taken literally its that one.), is taken literally. It, like the Leviticus verse, is all about what is customary and non-customary in some cultures. Paul was remarking about the Greeks and their paganism. The things he saw were simply not a part of his custom. Our customs are different from other countries. Its non-customary in American culture for parents to circumcise their son (and I'm sure most good ole' American boys are very grateful that is so). It is customary in American culture to go to baseball games and have hot dogs.

On to Sodom and Gomorrah. The cities were destroyed because of 'sin', and some people have told me when I ask them about homosexuality that is the very sin that destroyed them. Never mind the fact that people were cruel to one another in unspeakable fashions (meaning torture, rape, theft, and sodomizing for sheer humiliation), the violence was worse than both World Wars put together, and you probably could find more hospitality in a graveyard. It was because a bunch of gay guys opened up shop and caused a gay plague. They often quote the line in the section that deals with Lot welcoming the angels . Some of the local welcoming party comes pounding on the door and tries to get in on the fun by saying 'bring them out here so we can have sex with/rape them.' In ancient times, sodomizing and raping the losers of a battle was not uncommon. It was done for the sheer humiliation, to add more shame to the loss. Just because they weren't in a battle didn't mean that it didn't happen outside of a war-like setting. Where do you think the term 'sodomy' came from? That really funny song from 'HAIR'?

These references are inappropriate and irrelevant because, really, people have no knowledge about it. How can you? The bible has been translated and re-translated, there's several different versions of it, and it was written by mankind. Many people get highly offended when I say this, but I've come to the belief that the bible is not the Word of God but the influence of God on man. God had way to much on his plate to sit down and write a book. So he got man to do it, which I'm sure by now he's probably rubbing his temples going 'Oh my Me...maybe I should have just done it myself...' People take one part of the bible literally but not the entire bible literally, misinterpret, and twist it to suite their own standpoint. Lets not forget that the bible was also put together by men of a very traditional culture. There's a set of gnostic gospels, which are much like the poor souls who try out for American Idol and don't make it on. The authors of these gospels range from Mary Magdalene to Judas. Now some people may ask 'Well why didn't Mary make it in the bible?' the answer is very simple: When they were organizing the bible, being traditional men of the time, they did not want a book authored by a piece of property. I mean...what does she know anyway? She's a woman. As honorable as some of those men were, they were not without their prejudices. If you're asking why Judas' book didn't make it in, then you've either never been to Sunday school or you've been struck by the stupid fairy. Google it, I've got more stuff to talk about.

Now on to the whole 'Homosexuality is a choice!' argument. But before I go on, let me ask you this: Why would anyone choose to be a certain way if that lifestyle was met by bigotry, ostracizing, and death? Many people fall on this argument because they feel there is no proof. Apparently they have never been to the American Psychiatric Association website. Some people feel that with enough therapy, people can go from gay to straight within a matter of time. Well, the APA states differently:

“...To date, there are no scientifically rigorous outcome studies to determine either the actual efficacy or harm of "reparative" treatments. There is sparse scientific data about selection criteria, risks versus benefits of the treatment, and long-term outcomes of "reparative" therapies. The literature consists of anecdotal reports of individuals who have claimed to change, people who claim that attempts to change were harmful to them, and others who claimed to have changed and then later recanted those claims....Firstly, they are at odds with the scientific position of the American Psychiatric Association which has maintained, since 1973, that homosexuality per se, is not a mental disorder. The theories of "reparative" therapists define homosexuality as either a developmental arrest, a severe form of psychopathology, or some combination of both (10-15). In recent years, noted practitioners of "reparative" therapy have openly integrated older psychoanalytic theories that pathologize homosexuality with traditional religious beliefs condemning homosexuality (16,17,18)......The potential risks of reparative therapy are great, including depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient. Many patients who have undergone reparative therapy relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely, unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction. The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian is not presented, nor are alternative approaches to dealing the effects of societal stigmatization discussed. Several major professional organizations including the American Psychological Association, the National Association of Social Workers and the American Academy of Pediatrics have all made statements against reparative therapy because of concerns for the harm caused to patients. The American Psychiatric Association has already taken clear stands against discrimination, prejudice and unethical treatment on a variety of issues including discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Therefore, the American Psychiatric Association opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as reparative or conversion therapy which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a priori assumption that the patient should change his/her sexual homosexual orientation.”

-The American Psychiatric Association (The full text can be found here: http://www.psych.org/Departments/EDU/Library/APAOfficialDocumentsandRelated/PositionStatements/200001.aspx)

So you may be asking “Well...what about all of the people who underwent reparative therapy and ex-gay ministries and came back straight?” I hate to break it to you, but they're still gay, they only change the sexual conduct, not the desires. If you instill enough fear and guilt in someone they tend to suppress their feelings and desires in order to find the so-called salvation that their 'therapist' is preaching. Not only are they doing damage to the patient, but they're sending a message that Gay = Freak and with enough therapy you can be cured. So people who undergo this therapy are forced to stay in the closet. Closets are a place of death and shame. Many LGBT people are forced to live double lives because of the shame and guilt they feel, and sadly they ultimately end their lives because they just can't live with it anymore. Not only that, but if those places really work why don't they all use the same technique? Why do they experiment differently? Why have so many members and leaders recanted their statements saying they're 'changed'? They're sapping away money, time and ultimately damaging these people who have nothing wrong with them.

Now on to the scientific evidence. Unfortunately most of the confirmed studies have to do with male sexuality (sorry ladies), but there are ongoing studies that haven't been released. In the study they look at three main factors: genes, hormones and birth order. Lets take the phenomena of identical twins. If one twin is born gay, 70% of the time the other is also gay. That's a huge fact because that shows that genes play a greater role in sexual orientation than they do in determining if a person is left or right handed. Another startling statistic: if a boy has older brothers that increases the odds of him being gay. One would argue that 'Moms baby the youngest!', nice try but no. Mom's babying has nothing to do with sexual orientation (the only traits I've seen from incredibly babied boys are laziness, unmotivated in doing anything, arrogance, obstinance, and the uncanny ability to be a total asshole to the girl they're dating). When a woman is pregnant with a boy, her body sees the fetus as a foreign object. Her body then begins to produce antigens and antibodies against it. The more boys a woman has, the more adept her body becomes at feminizing the fetus. This explains with every successive boy, the odds of him being gay go up significantly. I am not making this up. Google it, you'll find I'm right. So now that I've dumped all of this information on you, allow me to explain why I've spent hours of research and editing to this weeks column.

I am a straight girl who likes boys. I have the right to go down to a courthouse and sign a piece of paper and marry who ever I want. My friends, boys who like boys and girls who like girls, don't have the same right as I do. Not only are the deprived of marrying who they want, but the can't be honest about who they are in the military, they face endless prejudice in their jobs and are denied some positions because of their orientation, and if they are married they cannot see the person they love on their deathbed because its not recognized as a real marriage and in that same mindset they cannot inherit any of the benefits their partners leave them. Does that seem right to you? Forget the homosexuality part, think about how you would feel if you were denied those rights because you were different.

These statements from the bible are used in a fashion that promotes violence and fear. People feel empowered when the bible is used to declare that something is wrong. Its used as a justification for violence and hatred, which is exactly what the bible is against. The bible is a message of love, hope and forgiveness. It is not a shield for you to hide behind in your homophobia. When you think about it, homophobia in itself is a sin because it promotes fear, hatred and bigotry. James Dobson (the dude who's head of Focus on the Family) is probably the best example of a homophobic bigot. First of all I find it funny that he has NO theological training so he has NO idea what truth is. Secondly he has claimed that gays are the equivalent to Nazis as far as spreading their evil ways. Third, he has stated time and time again to reject your gay child. That's funny because I always thought that family meant loving accepting and embracing your child. Sure you have to discipline them every once in a while to keep them in line, but to punish them for being gay?

I always thought that God loved you for who you were, only asking that you believe in him and be the best person that you can be. According to them, that's not the case. You have to be a straight, perfect individual in order to get to heaven. One of the preachers in For the Bible tells me So stated: “I can't for the life me me think that God would punish someone for being black when they should have been white, or being a woman when they should have been a man, or being homosexual when they should have been straight.” Why would he punish the very thing he created?

At least that's how I see it.

Cheers!

The tragic events that happened last week at Fort Hood have everyone asking so many questions, from security to the mental state of our nations heroes. Now I'm normally a satirical blogger, and don't worry there will be some satire in here but I'm in no way going to make fun of the tragedy that occurred on Thursday.

That not only merits disgrace but a ticket to hell. I don't want to go to hell. I'll be forced to solve math problems that have no logical solutions and listen to 'Barbie Girl' on repeat for all eternity.

The thing that makes me shake my head in disgrace about this is the people talking about it. Just because the guy that did it happens to be Muslim, they automatically bring the whole 'terrorist' card into play.

Really?

Did they ever stop to think that maybe...oh I don't know he was just crazy? He was a crazy man who happened to be Muslim. There are very few things that peeve me off, (intolerance, chosen ignorance, and The Pirate Queen closing on Broadway are just a few) stereotyping is one of them. I totally get people trying to find a reason for this terrible tragedy, its normal process of grief and shock. However when the media is involved (and the incredibly intelligent people who are in charge of the 'media'...) stuff gets blown completely out of proportion. Big shocker I know.

Allow me to provide you with a few stereotypes and some of my personal commentary on them:

1.) Gay men shouldn't be allowed to be boy scout leaders. Furthermore, gay couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt because they'll pollute the child's brain with homosexual filth.

Then we should instill a stricter adoption criteria: No one with any sort of religious beliefs, no African Americans, Asians, or Latinos, no poets, painters or actors. We wouldn't want these sorts of people to fill a child's heads with 'filth'

2.) I don't trust black men from the ghetto, they're all gangsters

Okay that's like saying that everyone who has a drink is an alcoholic. May I remind you that Colin Powell was from 'the ghetto'.

3.) Foreigners are coming over here and stealing our jobs!

They came into your office and ripped the phone from your hand? No they're just coming over and taking what jobs they can get. They tend to put a higher value on work because some people come from a totally different situation and social system. Don't blame a foreigner for your lazy ass.

4.) All men who are in theatre are gay

Again...then everyone who wears a sport team jersey is an athlete. I know plenty of men who are in the theatre and are very fond of the vagina.

5.) Inter-racial marriages aren't natural, people should marry within their own ethnic group

Who made you the grand matchmaker? Times are different and people are realizing that love knows no boundaries. So what if a white man marries a black woman or a Latino man marries an Asian? We have two people who love each other and want to be with one another for the rest of their lives. I can't think of anything more natural than that. People who make statements like this are just pissed that they're on their 5^th marriage and are in the process of filling out the divorce papers on that one.

6.) Young people today don't know anything.

Some young people don't know anything. When I say 'young people' I mean people who age from 12-29, because when you're 30 its really time to stop the binge drinking and act as adult as you possibly can. Honestly, I can see why some people believe this with the whole technology craze and the crap that they're putting on TV (Laguna Beach and Melrose Place...need I say more?). However I've met some incredibly intelligent 17 year olds that have no interest in the fads of their peers. Furthermore, I've met some intelligent 20 + year olds that never cease to amaze me with their broad range of knowledge on a variety of topics. Just because you talked with a stupid adolescent or a dense young adult who's vocabulary didn't exceed beyond 'OMG!!' or 'F*** that' doesn't mean that the rest of us revel in that sort of stupidity.

7.) Islam, Budhism, Hinduism, and other religions are so stupid. Why would someone believe that?

Why would you want to believe that a man came down and walked on water? How could you be so stupid to think that the world was created by something that probably doesn't exist and spoke it into existence? You think God cares about you? Why would he allow a man to steal your life savings or allow millions of children to be brutally murdered, or a hurricane to kill thousands of people? Wow you must be the epitome of ignorant. Did I ruffle your feathers just now? Good. Now you know how they feel when you say things like that. Who are you to decide what religion is the true one? People have been fighting about this for thousands of years. You're not going to win. Stop being an asshole. Jesus would not approve of it.

8.) Men are pigs

Who said this was a stereotype?

Its so easy to follow the media and believe what it says. A Muslim man snaps and kills his own comrades. He must be a terrorist. No, he was just crazy. There's no other explanation for it, and its a terrible thing to have happened. However don't blame some irrational theory because you're trying to make sense of something. I get that you're hurting, that you've lost someone believe me I've been there, it sucks. But hating one group of people or trying to blame ones religion isn't going to bring them back.

At least that's how I see it

Cheers!

Come on ladies.... Don't you ever just want to scream? Like maybe, just maybe the loud vibrations emitting from your vocal cords will make everything better.
-It will make the kids that you stupidly agreed to chaperon stop standing on the bus so they don't fall and crack they're heads open, spilling their brain matter.
-Or maybe it will make the asshole (not to be confused with little old ladies or men, you show the highest respect for them because that will be YOU someday) who's been driving 20 miles under the speed limit for 5 miles speed up because you're about ready to drive into his backseat.
-Hey who knows, it may just help the government realize that you ARE in need of federal student aid and they'll grant you the money that you deserve so you can finish your education.
-Or maybe screaming at town meetings will somehow get your point across and the government won't do what it damn well pleases.
-What about the laundromat who completely ruined your Oscar de la Renta dress that you were going to wear to this kick ass party? Surely screaming at the small Korean lady will make her replace the $300 dress that she just ruined.
-Or the couple that has no discretion what so ever and is practically having sex in the food court while you're trying to enjoy your wonderfully prepared salad.
I don't have to tell you that everything mentioned is wishful thinking. But honestly sometimes being a bitch is essential to a woman's sanity and the human race's survival. I mean which would you rather have: A woman who just totally humiliated you because you did something really stupid that she could have just overlooked OR A sugary-sweet woman who overlooks you're stupidity and insensitivity who's smiling at you over her wine glass and telling you that the wine you just drank contained high volumes of arsenic and you're going to die in 30 seconds? The problem with some women today is they don't know how to be a bitch and maintain a certain level of class and dignity. Well my friends, allow me to enlighten you:

1.) Subtly and discretion are key. You must maintain a calm demeanor in the face of poor manners and lack of chivalry. For instance: You're in line at the department store and you drop your wallet, giving someone who obviously does not understand the concept of a line the opportunity to cut in front of you. Politely state that you were in line, if they do not acknowledge you or they smirk don't get angry. Simply offer your sweetest smile and say something like this: "Its okay, I understand why you need to get to the front of the line. I would rush to buy something new too if I was wearing that."
2.) Do not let them see you sweat or cry. Tears show defeat in certain situations, they also can be used to obtain several things of value or instill guilt. However in the case of your boyfriend screaming at you because you were late because of traffic DO NOT let him see you cry. Instead, show him the error of his arrogance. If he's being an asshole because you're late simply remind him of the times he was late (preferably important events: family dinners, etc.) or how you were forced to sit through a boxing match when Desperate Housewives was on.
3.) When faced with another bitch, test the water. If your rival is experienced in being a classy bitch DO NOT go head to head with her, instead befriend her and learn her secrets and where she shops (classy bitches usually have fantastic style). If things don't work out and you have a fallout, you now have all of her secrets AND (I would hope) a pair of her Jimmy Choos.
4.) You must give them at least one chance before you release your inner bitch. It's just common courtesy. If you're on a plane for 6 hours and get stuck with a rather chatty-kathy in the seat next to you, give them one warning: "It really is nice to meet you, but I'm dying to finish this book. I hope you understand." most people will get the point and shut up. If they don't ( I mean you gave them fair warning) its time to release the bitch: "You know in this novel I'm trying to read someone very similar to yourself gets thrown off a cliff because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut." or "Look, I asked you nicely the first time. I can't read with someone who has the voice of Richard Simmons on speed chatting my ear off."
5.) Some people don't get that when you buy something it's yours. In the case of roomates this is a common occurrence. You buy food for yourself, they consume it before you get a taste, the shampoo you buy is mysteriously disappearing faster than you thought after 2 days, your body spray is disappearing and then reappearing with less in it, etc. You've tried to be nice by asking her to kindly stop. She won't. Now you have no choice but to get nasty. Some replace things like shampoo and food with less desirable items, which is good. However we must not forget our wit my fellow womenfolk. If she's eating your protein bars, using your shampoo and body spray you have but one thing to say: "Obviously you have some problem of trying to change your drab and dull appearance into something more divine or else you wouldn't be using my shit."
6.) Men cannot help it, when a striking woman walks by they turn their heads and look. So do you when the Orlando Bloom look-alike walks by. However if they're constantly remarking how hot Megan Fox or Lindsay Lohan are or how perfect their boobs are, then they need to be shown the error of their ways. If this is a problem, nonchalantly say: "You know I was talking with [insert friends name here] the other day and we just couldn't come to a decision on who had the best body: Collin Feral or Hugh Jackman. If you think that was a grueling argument you should have heard the one we had on who had the bigger dick." He may say that it doesn't bother him...but we know that it so does.
7.) Finally, the Twilight obsession. I get it, you love it; you think that Edward Cullen is sex on a stick. Fine, if you want to indulge yourself in that sort of crap that they call 'literature' go right ahead. But do not try to make me see reason. I stand by my belief that Edward Cullen is NOT a vampire but merely a personification of the 'bad boy' hero and the overly used 'forbidden love' cliche. You want a vampire, read Dracula. If you are unfortunate enough to have one of these people as your friend...first my deepest sympathies, second if they know that you don't like it but they're trying to make you like it, then they aren't your friend. So feel free to use this:
Cullenite: "OMG EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN TWILIGHT BELLA EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: "Could we please talk about something else? You know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."
Cullenite: "I know but how could you not like EDWARD CULLEN?!?!?!?! HE'S SO HOT! EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: *sweet smile* "Sweetie did you know that people who tend to obsess over fictional characters tend to die alone in one room apartments with 30 cats?"

So those are just some helpful hints. Its tough out there ladies and though we try to be sweet, caring, compassionate, and upstanding women sometimes...well we need to release our inner bitch (while maintaining our classyness) in order to show that we're no-nonsense. Ultimately, people (especially men. Not boys, real men) will respect you more for standing up for yourself.

Cheers!

I mean do I really need to explain it any more than that? Sometimes when I'm home on a weekend and not 'living it up' like my friends, people tend to think that I'm just sitting at home talking to my dog while watching TV and facebooking.

Okay so I'm not making a strong point here but what I'm trying to say is that people just assume that 1.) I'm unhappy 2.) I'm feeling sorry for myself 3.) I'm bored but can't or don't have the desire or means to do anything about it 4.) I'm a lesbian and I secretly have my girlfriend come over for sexy parties that involve whips and leather.

Actually I welcome the time by myself (sometimes, if I'm not thinking I'm doing one of those four things. Which one? I'll never tell...), it gives me time to think and do some soul searching. Or play video games without being ostracized out the wazoo. This time, it happens to be the first option. I'm going to bless you with my conclusion:

I hate drama. I always have, and always will. If I could I would stab people who do like drama with a barbecue fork. I never understood why you would want to start any or get caught up in it. I mean why would you care if Sally stole Frances' boyfriend? It wasn't your boyfriend, you're still getting laid, why do you feel the need to get involved? Who gives a flying fuck if Mary said something about your ass or weight? She's probably just jealous that she has no ass and weighs about the size of an anorexic Chihuahua. If it doesn't concern you, stay out of it. Why is this concept so hard to grasp? Why would you want to make your life difficult?

On that note, why would you want to start drama? I know this may come as a surprise to those who aren't as wise, but it doesn't really accomplish anything but make everyone hate you or drive someone to suicide/coming to school with a sawed off shotgun. As awful as that sounds, it's the truth. There are times when I'm serious, and this is one of them. When you really think about it...all of the violence in our school system starts when one kid is targeted by three or four others. That one kid is picked on viciously and snaps. They make a choice: Make everyone see how much they were hurting or see if anyone really cared at all. Or they make everyone, and then some, hurt as much as they do.

Its scary when you think about it that way isn't it?

I have a message to all of those out there who engage in such activities that I have mentioned, you may want to write this down: Grow the fuck up. I don't care how old you are. I've never taken age as a valid excuse for any situation, especially this. We're brought up in a world that says 'Oh its just common for that age group.' or 'Kids will be kids!' did we ever really stop to think that it's that way because we accept it and we think there's no way to change it? It's like personal responsibility and owning up to your mistakes is just 'old fashioned' or something.

I think that the minute you understand right from wrong, the party's over. When I say that I mean you can't get away with anything anymore, you can't say 'But I didn't know it was wrong to punch that kid in the face!'. That's like saying that you don't know not to stick a fork in a light socket. Are you going to have those little plastic things in your outlets for the rest of your life because it's a scape goat? If you do that please let me know because I will come over to your house while you're asleep and steal all of them.

I think I digressed a bit...so I'm going to get back on topic.

Drama ruins lives. It ruins friendships, jobs, ecetera ecetera. I'm not going to beat the dead horse. I think I'm going to go have another Cosmo and go watch Titanic.

I mean after all, I am sitting at home on a Saturday night, isn't that what lonely people do? Drink themselves into a stupor while being turned on by that hot scene in the back of the car?

Cheers! ;]

I really mean that too. The only time I really complain (outside of PMS, which come on. Women bitch when mother nature visits our hoo hoo. And we have every reason to have a little complaint here and there, especially when we feel like we're bloated to twice our normal size or we're getting kicked in the stomach by an angry rhinoceros or we're tired...anyway I digress.) is when there is no chocolate or wine when I need it. People often wonder why I'm so laid back and how I just go with the flow, not necessary liking the consequences but living with them. Well my friends, here's why (you may want to take notes):

I don't complain about things that I can't change; and while I may worry, I usually just shrug and say 'Well...may as well just go with it..Que Sera, Sera". I know, its so simple right? It's one of those damned concept that's easier said than done. Or is it? I mean, we all know that complaining about the weather isn't going to make it stop raining, or make the jackass in our class shut up and stop acting like he's smart when really your 10 year old cousin knows more about this stuff than he does. I hate to break it to you, but complaining about your boss isn't going to make him realize that you are a valuable asset to the company or that you're more than a pair of tits who happens to be good at a typewriter. However plotting revenge is okay. Just don't poison his coffee, the toxicology screening is very advanced. If you do, get some good poison like the stuff they use for rats or something.

Now I'm not saying you should never vent, I'm just saying don't bitch about stuff that's stupid. A little healthy venting does most of us good, so does kicking the living crap out of your neighbors cat that pisses on your car. There's nothing more annoying to me than people who complain when they really have no need to. Sure the job isn't what they want, they're occasionally tired, and they could stand to make more money. Who the hell hasn't felt like that? I know I have, and you're a liar or born into wealth (in which case you're just a douche) if you say you haven't. My father would say something like 'Join the club!'. If you met my family, you would understand.

When I was taking my Introduction to Education class, my professor told me this story about two former students of his. One was your average college student who still lived at home, and the other was a young woman who was a bit older (late 20's or early 30's probably) and had two kids under the age of 8, no car, worked two jobs and was a full-time student. The average college student person went to maybe half of the classes, did maybe 6 of the 15 quizzes and occasionally complained about how hard her workload was. When the time came to do classroom observations, she was late to most of them and didn't complete the required amount of hours.

Do you see where I'm going with this? I'll tell you anyway if not. The older student made it to every class, completed all her quizzes on time, and made it to every observation in a timely manner earning her praises from the teachers. She had every reason to complain about her workload. Two young kids? No reliable means of transportation? Class PLUS two jobs that she probably hated with the fire of 39 burning suns? But she didn't. Now I've never met this girl, don't have a clue what she looks like or where she works. However I have this feeling that she shares the same mindset I do when it comes to situations like this.

Things get tough, and yes there will be days where you are worn thin and feel like crying or screaming 'WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! I DO MY BEST AND I GET NOTHING!!' While screaming may make you feel better, it'll probably make your nosy neighbors think you're killing someone or have finally gone off your rocker. Plus, it makes your throat hurt. Life is hard, its can be cruel and unforgiving. It will not stop for anyone no matter how tragic the situation is. The sun will still come up tomorrow, and set in the evening. There are people out there (more so than ever in this day and age) who are struggling to get by and wondering how much longer their dwindling finances will last.

While all of that sucks, lets not forget that while life does get hard...it offers more than enough enjoyment to make up for it. Today I saw a praying mantis on the window and feeling intrigued I went to check it out. It crawled around on my hand, and Brian (one of my campers, the counselors know who I'm talking about ;]) asked if he could see it. He looked at it with such wonder, like it was some sort of rare species or something. It crawled around on his hand (even went up his arm and on his face, which was pretty funny) before it hopped off and we let it go on one of the butterfly bushes. He simply summed up this situation with "That was cool, okay see ya!". For some strange reason that small, seemingly insignificant situation made me feel a lot better about my day.

See what I mean? Something as simple as a praying mantis on a window, sitting on the beach and listening to she sounds of the waves crash over the shore, or fiddling with your guitar that you haven't picked up in a while can have surprising effects on your mood.

That is, if you're willing to see them.

Cheers!

Okay, so not really. I just titled it that so you would read this, and because it's funny. In all seriousness, doesn't it seem like everyone and their mother is getting hitched? It puts so much on the minds of us single girls. 'What am I doing wrong?' 'Am I wearing a sign that says unavailible or I have herpes?' 'What if I NEVER get married and I'm forced to spend my days alone with 50 cats and 25 year old newspapers???'

Well fret not my friends. It's proven that women don't reach their sexual peak until they're about 30, which in some cases is a load of bollocks (meaning that some girls have been slammed more than a screen door in a nor'easter) but for the most part it's true. So that means that you're (if you marry the right person that is...or at least one that's good in bed) probably going to have some pretty killer sex after 29. But then again, it IS just a statistic.

If you want MY opinion, which I'm sure you do because you're reading this....or you just want another reason to laugh at me which is okay too...I say hakuna mattata. Your 20's are for enjoyment and figuring out just who the hell you are. If they were meant to plan weddings you would be handed J.Lo and a notebook at midnight on your 20th birthday so you could jump right into planning.

Sure, a guy every now and then to warm the cold side of your bed and take you out is fantastic; you may even considering keeping him around for a while which is okay too. If you want to chase him away, mention marriage; he'll be gone faster than a cheesecake at a weight watchers convention. Guys already know that 20's are for dicking around and enjoying life; even if that dicking around and enjoying life sometimes leads to very poor choices and mug shots. Damnit they had fun didn't they? Not that every guy is like that, but lets face it there is only one Fabio.

Whenever I see wedding announcements in the paper or on facebook I don't fret. I just say to myself 'Hey whatever makes you happy, if that's what you want to do go for it.' and then I pour myself another drink. I just think that you have your whole life to get married, right now I'm going to worry about sipping from that sweet elixir that is my 20's because they only happen once. And hell, for that matter why limit it to your 20's? Lets just say life itself, no matter what age you are is for living it up on YOUR terms.

At least, that's what I think ;]
Cheers!

...but I think I'm going to start posting 'column-ish' things.

I have a random mind and I think about things a little differently than other people. Plus I can be pretty darn funny if I do say so myself. And I adore making people laugh, so I'm going to try to put myself in a regiment of posting a 'column' every week.

I think it'll be a good opportunity to get me in an organized pattern. Plus it'll provide me with creative challenges, who knows? I may spur a poem or two from this. So that's what I'm going to do, and I'm counting on YOU guys to keep me in check. If you notice that I'm late with my posting, write on my wall, send me messages, text me, whatever. Annoy the hell out of me until I post. I'll also post these on my facebook, so they'll be in two places.

The thing is I have a bad habit of starting things like this and not finishing *glances at the short story and 'story' that haven't been touched in months*....and it's annoying. So maybe putting myself in a position like this will be good for me ;]

Read and post CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I tend to slack in my grammar sometimes (especially when I do these at night.) so I appreciate people pointing out my grammatical errors. Tell your friends, read, post your thoughts, etc. etc. Who knows maybe I'll get a call from Cosmo haha.

Cheers!

So I wake up at 8:30 this morning. I have to be to class at 9. It takes me like 35 minutes to get to school. I was 10 minutes late. Fail.

I forgot to study for my Philosophy quiz yesterday. Fail.

I forgot to take a quiz for my fitness class. Fa--wait I dropped it so that doesn't matter

I've just been so tired and overwhelmed lately, not just with work and school but it seems like all of my friends are coming to me to talk about their problems and because I'm such a good friend and listener, I do. And I just don't know if I can handle much more you know? I mean I love them very much but at the same time I'm like 'aaahhh I don't know what to doooooooo'

I say that dumping all of the ignorant, annoying and asinine people off of the highest point in the world would be a start to me feeling somewhat less stressed.

Mentally torment those who piss me off such as my sister douchebag boyfriend. I would so torment him....

Those awesome leather costumes the X-men wear, those bitches are sexy.

I know a few XD:
"Kiss my ass."
Response: "Move your nose."

"You know you're really a bitch."
Response: "I'd rather be a bitch than a whore because I'd rather be known for what I say than who I screw."

I've got a million of them *pops collar*

Caca puffs. Just for dogs who like caca, my dog would eat it. 

"Dream dreams, have visions and let no obstacles stop you." - Dr. Ruth Gruber

I would set things on fire, break things...and completely destroy things that people I don't like own. Oh and I would probably play racquetball using people I don't like as the ball XD

Pirates all the way. Ninjas may be stealthy and all that shit, but pirates are way cooler because they have ships and cannons and give me ONE frickin' ninja that has out ran a cannonball. PIRATES BITCHES!!! PIRATES!!

XD

I have like three nicknames: Pennywinkle, Shithead, and Wilson. Don't worry, I'll explain them XD. The first one came about when I was like five years old, I was a little tomboy and I loved to play in the marsh and find things. My Pop-Pop would take me to this little beach and let me run around before we went fishing. I would come back with these little white shells and he would sit down with me and sing a little rime with me. The shells were called pennywinkles, I don't know their scientific name but eventually he started calling me that and even after I hit teenage years he would every now and then and it would make me smile. Shithead comes from my Mom-Mom...haha she would call me that when I would cause mischief or be sarcastic...so yeah haha. Wilson comes from the other three Lauren's in my graduating class, myself and another Lauren were called by our last names.

Oh dear...*sigh* Okay so I was getting gas @ the local Wawa and it was a nice day so I had my sunroof open. I go inside, pay for my gas and on my way out I throw my keys in my car through my sunroof. I used to do that all the time when I worked on Chincoteague Island so I thought nothing of it. I start to pump my gas, and I go to open my door...its locked. So I'm like '...damn' and I stand there for a few minutes thinking about if I really want to do the obvious to get my keys: climb through the sunroof. So I'm like 'eh...what the hell.' so I climb on top of my car and lean in through my sunroof, and of course my keys aren't in a place where I can easily grab them. So I lean a little further, and suddenly I come to the conclusion that I am slipping. Before I can do anything about it, I fall face-first in my car and mind you, my feet are still sticking out of the top. Somehow, I manage to pull myself inside and turn around so I can get out and I still don't know how I did it in such a confined space. Needless to say, everyone got a very interesting show and a good laugh.

A friend is someone who knows you. Its the person that sees you for your faults, stands by you when its stormy, and is willing to go out of their way for you. Its also someone who laughs at your stupid mistakes, who's willing to risk getting in trouble with you if it means making a hysterical memory that you'll treasure forever, and who always knows how to cheer you up and make you laugh until you feel like your sides are going to explode. An acquaintance is someone that you either know through a person, or (if your in college or work) you met and you see them everyday but you don't really talk all that much. I think acquaintances become friends by making an attempt to hang out or talk more. Like for example: I remember my first semester at college and I had a biology class with a 2 hour lab once a week. Well I can remember my friend Katy being all shy and stuff, and being the friendly person I am I started to talk to her more to make her feel more comfy because to be honest I was a little nervous about the whole college thing too. So we started to talk and such, not really a whole lot but enough to make us acquaintances. Then when I found out that the school was going to put on a play production I immediately jumped in and auditioned. To my surprise, Katy was there and she was really good, I mean she just nailed it. So the next day I'm sitting in the little vending area waiting for class to start and Katy walks by and is like 'dude you were good!' and we sat and talked until class started. From that day on we sat next to each other in class, and talked everyday until the end of the semester. We've been friends ever since =]

I think it depends on what happened during the course of the day. If its just like a 'monday' bad day (tires flat, late for work, spilled coffee on your shirt on your way to work, overslept, ect.) then I will usually grumble about it for a few minutes then laugh it off. If its a day where I wake up and I'm just depressed I'll usually just sink into my own little world. I don't like burdening other people with my problems so I usually will keep to myself.